


DETH 4 HYRE

by Elf (Elfwreck)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, BAMF Bucky Barnes, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Friendly Rivalry, Gen, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, Tony Pays for Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:23:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10092128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elf
Summary: Natasha doesn't actually want Bucky killed. She's pretty sure he doesn't want her killed, either, or he'd hire someone competent to do it.





	

Natasha goes first. She goes digging around the darknet, trying to figure out how far the Hydra files have drifted and who’s using them, and finds a site called “DETH 4 HYRE” with a set of random numbers and letters as the actual domain name. She clicks on a few things, finds the order form.

It looks fake. The whole site looks fake. It looks like a 1998 Geocities goth-punk weapons fetish site. The cursor is a little handgun that fires little shots when she clicks on things. She wonders if it actually connects to anything, so she decides to find out. She doesn’t have anyone she wants dead (or at least, not anyone whose death she would entrust to total strangers on the internet), so she picks a “target” who’s already facing unknown but substantially non-zero numbers of would-be assassins. Even if DETH 4 HYRE is real, they’ll have to get in line.

 **TARGET NAME** : James Buchanan Barnes, aka The Winter Soldier

 **TARGET DESCRIPTION** _Including Job (note: we won’t target children or elected officials. This is for private vendettas, not political agendas.)_ : Male. Caucasian. Appears mid-20s or early 30s. Dark hair, blue eyes. Notable features: Left arm is made of metal. Job: Retired veteran.

 **ADDRESS, OR LAST KNOWN LOCALE** : New York City. Sometimes seen in Avengers Tower.

 **REASON** _(optional, but the more information we have, the faster we can work):_

This one, she has to think about. She knows they’ll likely ignore her if she writes in, “he’ll think you’re funny.” She starts to say, “suspected history with Russian terrorist groups,” before realizing that might fall under “political agendas.” She settles on a more simple truth: “He shot me.”

Then she buys $5000 worth of bitcoins with one of Stark’s Avengers cards, and figures she’s found an easy way to annoy Tony.

Three weeks later, Barnes shows up in her kitchen. “Next time you try to have me killed, hire someone competent,” he growls. He flips a card onto the counter – it’s black with red text that says DETH 4 HYRE – Assassination on the sly, on the cheap – reB7gSvp3TSUWePO.xyz

“If I wanted you killed, I wouldn’t hire it out,” she replies. “Thought you could use some practice.”

“Practice with what? Spotting jerks in black ski masks carrying bazookas on the subway?”

“Kids these days,” she says, deadpan.

“Fuck you,” he replies, and stomps off.

Two and a half weeks later, she sees his response – a man in full paramilitary gear, all black, on the street in front of Avengers Tower, hovering near the door of the café that serves her favorite chai latte. (It is nothing at all like Russian chai, and she loves that.) He’s starting to make people nervous. The only reason he’s not making people more nervous, is that this is New York a block away from the Avengers Tower – sometimes, guys in paramilitary gear just show up, hover around for a while, and then leave. The regulars, however, are aware that such guys are usually in teams, with someone in a suit telling them to go away. So they’re starting to get a bit twitchy.

She sighs. She’ll have to take him down quietly or he’s likely to cause a lot of collateral damage. Not that she has any great aversions to collateral damage, but if the store window gets shattered, it’ll be a week or more before she can get her chai latte.

Wig, heels, cat’s eye sunglasses, 80’s style bright-pink silk windbreaker with fringe… he doesn’t notice her leave the Tower. He doesn’t notice her turn into the alley two stores before the café. He doesn’t notice her come up from behind him, windbreaker and other accessories discarded on the way, and he really only notices her when she yanks the rifle out of his hands. He doesn’t notice that for long, because she slams the stock into his chin and he goes down.

Sure enough, in his shirt pocket is a DETH 4 HYRE card.

She texts Bucky: _You’re right. Need better quality assassins. Suggestions welcome._

He replies: _I am out of the assassin business. Do your own damn research._

**Author's Note:**

> I got caught by a tumblr prompt: "You are a retired special ops soldier bored with civilian life; you decide to hire hitmen off of the dark web to kill you as a form of entertainment." (I took some liberties with it.) I'm sorry, mostly for the fact that I'm probably not going to continue this, and it would make a lovely beginning for a long series vignettes in which Bucky and Natasha don't quite attempt to have each other killed.


End file.
